My Writing

Did it work out/Goodbye.

I asked a question to an ex which was simply “Why didn’t we work out?” The answer I received was quite simply exactly what I needed to hear. We did work out, but working out isn’t forever. Working out can mean a few weeks to a few months to even year. As long as everything that occurred made you improve as a person and most importantly made you smile. I did smile, many people have made me smile. Many people in the past year have come and gone out of my life and each one of them at one point in our relationship (whatever it may have been) made me smile. Something which I have not taken for granted. Coincidences and fate have puzzled me, why do they happen so frequently with certain people? I always believed theres a reason for this, but I also feel searching for that reason is doing me nothing but harm. My own actions at time have been foolish, being perceived as being something I am not is hard to stomach, but when you give them no other option, why do I complain? Do I really need to confront peoples anger and action towards me? Why can’t I just let it be.

My biggest flaw is wanting to always get the upper hand, no matter what the circumstances are. Apologising to people who I have hurt is what I need to do, but my stubbornness of waiting for them to do it first is letting me down, if they have no need for it then why should I wait? It is I with the problem, not them. Goodbye is a meaning which I always feels should be ended with a comma. Not a fullstop. Goodbye for now, but not forever.

Who knows what our future will hold, maybe the people I have said goodbye too will come back into my life, maybe they won’t. But whats the point of ending any doubt when they were apart of your life, a positive part. I plan to write to certain people over the coming weeks who I no longer seem to speak to but made me feel happy. Just to thank them and give them apart of me which I held back in fear of being vulnerable.

I expect the response to be mixed. But so be it. It’s pointless being afraid of the very people you felt at home with. /Carla Elizabeth Phillips

Dealing with a loss. For you.

I don’t talk about you enough. I don’t mention what you meant and still mean to me. I don’t look at old photos and smile at how beautiful you are, I don’t look at old photos of all of us in the past as it just reminds me that you were around then. I took that for granted. Yet, I miss you with every fibre in my body, I miss you looking after me when I would sulk over the most mundane of things, I miss saving you half my chocolates, I miss being able to lay in your bed after I had a bad dream and you would only sleep after I fell asleep. I miss you.

I wish I was asleep more often as that’s when I can see you, talk to you. I wish my dream became real and I could have you back just for one day, one hour, one hug. And still, I rarely mention you. Forgive me. There’s so many times I’ve wanted to tell you things about my day, about my aspirations, about my fears. From silly jokes that only we found funny to long conversations about why the moon and stars were formed.

I hope you notice that I still sit in your room from time to time, I still curl up in your bed when I get scared, i still borrow your hairdryer hah; but I do put it back in your room now. I know how much that annoyed you! Hmm. Until we meet again, be prepared I have millions of saved up chocolates and even more bad jokes to to tell you. But until that day that we meet again, I will hold onto your memory with a firm grip that will never loosen. Forever indebted to the security and love you gave me. Sweet dreams. I love you, always a part of me.